Learning to Say No by Carla Willis-Brandon

Author:Carla Willis-Brandon [Wills-Brandon, Carla]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Tantor eBooks

Triangulating: The Go-Between

While growing up, she would listen to her mother's complaints about her father on a regular basis. At times her mother would have her relay messages to her father, such as, "Tell your father to quit making so much noise in the garage" or "Tell your father we are going to eat without him if he doesn't come inside now." Chris' mother would also share with her those angry feelings she had towards her father. "Your father is so lazy . . . Your father really doesn't care about us."

When she spent time with her father, he would ask, "Do you know what is wrong with your mother? I can't understand why she behaves the way she does." In order to ease her father's confusion, she would share with him some of the complaints her mother had.

After visiting with her father in the garage and returning to the house, her mother would ask, "What's he had to say and why is he staying out in that garage for so long?" Chris felt like a ping-pong ball being bounced back and forth between her parents. As an adult, her parents continued to involve her in their disputes. Chris felt as though she was fighting their battles for them and wished they would just settle their differences between themselves.

Upon entering recovery for her alcoholism, Chris made a number of friends. She had two very close friends whom she loved dearly, but there was a problem. The two of them disliked one another and would make comments to her about each other on a regular basis.

While in her early years of recovery, she began to learn about a dysfunctional family-system process called triangulation. She learned that her parents had triangulated her into their relationship and made her the go-between so that they would never have to directly confront one another. The payoff for being the go-between for her parents was receiving the attention she so desperately craved from them, even though it was abusive and dysfunctional. She also learned that by being placed in the middle of her parents' problems, she felt important, needed, loved and as though she had a place in the family. Chris had always feared she would just disappear from not being noticed by her parents and learned she could make her presence known by being in the thick of it when her parents needed her as the go-between.

The price for this family role caused Chris a great deal of pain. There were times during her youth when she would be at the receiving end of the angry feelings her parents had for one another. Her mother would be angry with her for not relaying the messages correctly or her father would ignore her if he disliked the message she was relaying to him from her mother.

One day her father blew up in the garage after she shared with him what her mother had said. Chris was scared as she watched her father rage and felt as though she had done something wrong.

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